FUN WITH ADVERTISING - VINTAGE EDITION

Cast your cares (and work) to the wind - and get ready to spend some seriously wasted time over at the Vintage Ad Browser.

Ads from the 1850s promise exciting clothing options such as "English sacks." Or a few other ensembles that are downright dangerous:

Massive dehydration! Well gee kids! That just looks so fun!

The clothes aren't half as wonderful as the excellent instructions these ads provide to women on how to be good, like this ad for pathetic wives who don't make the dining experience thrilling. Quelle horreur!

Not and live to tell about it.

Of course, let's be fair. Some women were allowed to leave the house and pursue highly respected, fulfilling careers.

 You hold out your hand, and stuff automatically appears! Isn't sexism FUN?

An insanely high number of ads deal with body odor and frequently imply that if women - married or not - receive little attention it's their own smelly fault. This one takes an even wilder tact. 

Uh... um, well, gee... uh...

Talk about melodrama. These people look like their puppy just got run over by a semi.

Getting married was the end-all, be-all, and there wasn't a single advertiser who didn't exploit women's fears of dying single and alone, being eaten by cats. But advertisers would put your mind at ease. Not being married just meant that you hadn't used their products. Who could fail?!

She's engaged! She's lovely! She uses Ponds!

Are you one of the 5 million women who want to get married? If you look like a celebrity AND use breath mints AND piroette around in a cloud of minty goodness like some ditz escaped from an asylum for models, you will get your man.

THE END

Now I would like an ad that says: "thank heavens I'm a 21st century woman."

All images, Vintage Ad Browser.

FUN WITH (HOME) ADVERTISING

It's time for another installment of Fun With Advertising. A while ago I did a little post on the absurdity of fashion ads, which often feature poses or surroundings unnatural - or just plain bizarre. But it must be different with home and interior ads. They're so straightforward:  furniture. Blinds. Vases. What could possibly go wrong?

So, so much.

"Bob! BOB!!! Get the broom! Another one of those feral cat women got into the house again! I swear, I wish we'd never bought those %*#&!@ nature-friendly shades! Shoo you, SHOO!"

This is apparently a scene from a horror movie, after the crazy psycho breaks into the house, interrupting a leisurely game of living room croquet and causing the guests to all fling their mallets into a fire-wood-like pile in the middle of the floor and flee.

Because the first thing you should do after purchasing a sofa that costs as much as some third world country's GDP is to put its vulnerable buttery leather goodness in the middle of a reno project. Without windows. "Look out for the rainstorm!!!... oh, never mind." Also, the name of this couch product is "Toot." The ad print proudly proclaims: "you will always feel at home with Toot." Which made me laugh until I cried.

We'll overlook the fact that KraftMaid believes people who are genetically related must have identical hair color, and just skip on over to the subject of countertops. One of the weirdest ad trends is people lounging on their counters as if they were cushy Sertas, apparently because standing near them or cutting stuff up on them would seem so... normal. And I can't help but notice that some of these so-called counters are ridiculously low. The ad print says "imagine all the moments you'll spend in a kitchen so personal it could only belong to you." I'll take their word for it. Apparently red-heads can whip up some mean omelets with their knees.

If by "beautiful" you mean "ugly brown explosion" then yes, it happened all over that room. 

This Armstrong floor can handle anything. Even a collie that fishes. Lassie Like.

 Again with the counter-lounging. When plumbing goes wrong, it blows your countertops off. Apparently. So the real message here is, "Hire A Good Plumber." You're welcome, Roto-Rooter.

All images, companies as attributed. Published in House Beautiful May 2010, Traditional Home March 2010, Elle Decor April 2010. Collie floor ad via Armstrong Floors.

MODELS ARE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US

Every month, I grab the latest Vogue and Bazaar, and thumb through the spate of new fashion ads. There are ads that take my breath away, ads that intrigue me, and ads that leave me wondering... "what in the samhill is she doing in that picture?" Or "gee. That looks uncomfortable." It's true that fashion is other-worldly, i.e. not our world, so maybe we should just accept that models dwell in a rarified style garden, being clothed by famous design fairies, feeding on champagne dew drops, and prancing around in odd poses. But not me. I wanted to investigate, and see if models really live normal lives like we do. And they do! Well, not completely normal. But take a peek...

(Dolce and Gabbana)

(Gucci)

(Blumarine)

(Yves St. Laurent)

(Max Mara)

(Alberta Ferretti)

(Ekrelius)

(Miu Miu)

(Hermes)

IMAGES:  Dolce and Gabbana, Gucci, Bluemarine, Max Mara, Yves St. Laurent, Alberta Ferretti, Ekrelius, Miu Miu, Hermes.

Perfume is the New Purse

Perfume reaches new heights: does this constitute a lifetime's supply of No. 5, KL?

Is it me, or do perfume bottles keep getting bigger? It's as if, in this age of economic agony, perfume manufacturers are attempting to make up for an essentially invisible product by turning it into a visible accessory. The message seems to be: "Why Carry A Purse When You Can Smell Good And Look Like It Too!" As the perfume market has become glutted with re-releases, sequels, and celebrity scents, costs have risen, but quality has decreased - only storied brands like Hermes and Chanel still use all natural ingredients and their own private flower fields. And in an economy where everyone is cinching their belts, it's hard to justify spending large sums of money on something nobody can see. Why not a beautiful, useful purse instead? Or shoes? Or a dress? So perfume manufacturers would like you to know: these bottles do more than collect dust on a dresser.

Imagine awkwardly biking through the streets with three sloshing gallons of Miss Dior. Imagine the smell when you shatter it on a curb. (But the coat is fabulous.)

Here's an idea: the bottle as furniture. Not too cozy for sitting, but it's the new IT status decor ("Have you seen Angie's new perfume statue? It's HUGE!"). How would you apply this each a.m.? With a crystal ladle?

The smaller travel size. Try THIS at the airport sometime ("Ma'am, that is not 4.2 ounces.").

Perfume for lonely hearts. It looks like a giant valentine, and it's huggable too!

SJP wants you to covet this bottle, apparently - that's why she's showing it around like a Judith Leiber clutch. It doesn't look like it could hold your wallet and keys (not sogg-free anyway), but then again - neither does a Leiber.

Even guys are getting into the act. Don't date THIS fellow. If he's so possessive with his cologne, imagine how he'll be with the remote.

Images: thefashpack.onsugar.com/search/Chanel?page=1 - Chanel; kissesandcrossstitches.blogspot.com/2008_11_01_archive.html - Dior; www.flickr.com/photos/mediadahling/1426655610/ - Juicy Couture Room; www.shopoholic.com.au/shop1/product_info.pp?products_id=316 - Juicy Couture Clown; igossip.com/gossip/bebe_perfume-1/824313 - bebe; www.fragrancedirec-t.com/ - Covet; theessentialist.blogspot.com - Azzaro.